Groaners for loners!

Now that’s a lot of bull …

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

*****

Hearing Problems

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.

Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, YES!”

*****

 Top Hymns for Old Folks

1.) Precious Lord, Take My Hand . . . And Help Me Up
2.) It Is Well with My Soul . . . But My Knees Hurt
3.) Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
4.) Just a Slower Walk with Thee
5.) Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One   
6.) Go Tell It on the Mountain . . . But Speak Up   
7.) Give Me the Old Timers' Religion   
8.) Blessed Insurance
9.) Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah . . . I've Forgotten Where I Parked

*****

Senior Golf Game

An eighty-year-old man's golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well but he couldn't see where it went. So his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who had perfect eyesight and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter.

The eighty-year-old man hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it went.

"Yep," said the ninety-year-old.

"Where did it go?" the eighty-year-old demanded.

The ninety-year old replied, "I don't remember."

*****

Where Are You Going

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
 
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"   

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"    

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

*****

 Prayer of Senility

      For those of us who are getting a little older:

              God grant me the Senility

      to forget the people

       I never liked anyway,

      the good fortune

       to run into the ones I do,

      and the eyesight

       to tell the difference...

*****

That's Once

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 
      "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
      "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
       "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

*****

Three Old Sisters

There were 3 sisters living together 92, 94 and 95 yrs. old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"

The 94-yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"

The 92-yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"